Parabolas.

I live in a parabolic state. A roller coaster. Highs and lows, spikes and valleys. Much of my organizational energy is spent trying to mitigate these peaks to level off, to avoid the crashes. Sometimes that means lowering my expectations, or trying not to have any expectations at all. Most of the time I’d be lying if I said I had no expectations – I often wish for something great to happen, and then suppress that desire because I’m so often disappointed. But sometimes great things happen and I’m lifted high into the air to a mighty apex, forgetting that there is a precipitous drop coming as I slide off the top. All of it is arbitrary, too. This roller coaster is only in my head and heart, and I know better. I know better than to set myself up for disappointment. But it is my fate to repeat this behavior until I understand, until I learn that I cannot succeed for real until the moment I let go of everything. The very second I stop caring completely and can walk away clean without a parabolic crash is the moment something real happens. This is how I left for college at 15. This is how I met my wife. This is how I run faster than ever. This is how I will achieve my goals. To let go of them. To accept them as they come without ego. Truly, without mind. I get it. I really get it.

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